BFF

In recent months, I have been deluding myself. I often think of how many "friends" I have, rather than how many acquaintances I have. Is it an ego driven delusion that prevents (until now) me from making the distinction between friends, friendly acquaintances and users, or is it a die hard "buddhist" faith in humanity that keeps me on this return trip to stupidity?

I put buddhist in inverted comma's because I really do try to follow the teachings of the faith. Suffering, deprivation and learning are all aspects of the faith. But SHOULD it be part of any faith that cares about it's followers to tolerate the selfishness, stupidity and ignorance of a society that has learnt to expect and demand servitude from others? Expectations only lead to disappointment. Is disappointment an unwritten teaching in every faith?

My disappointment comes in the form (in most cases) of FRIENDS. And lately, family follow a close second. Upon reflection however, is the disappointment a result of the actions of my friends and family, or my expectations of friends and family?

Those close to me know of my recent familial experiences but what I haven't necessarily discussed is the "friendships" I indulge.

Take for example, the ONLY lesbian couple I endure. On the surface, a lovely couple who are respectable (lately) and in most instances considerate. Until that is, the night of my birthday drinks to which they were invited. Having made contact with them on a seperate subject 2 days prior to the drinks evening, they advise that they may not be able to attend. That's fine with me, I have no expectation that you will either feel obligated to attend, nor should you make excuses not to attend.

That is ofcourse, until I find out that not only are you lying to me about why you aren't attending, but I also then find out that one of my friends to whom I introduced you, is expected to make apologies to you about why he can't attend YOUR drinks evening scheduled for the SAME NIGHT as my birthday celebration. Not only that, but the business dealings we share have gone awry because you don't feel the need to provide the same level of service to me as you would any other paying client who isn't a friend because you consider their business valuable and mine casual.

That's betrayal #1.

Number two. My "best friend" (inverted commas used here because I've never used those words, but he does describe our relationship in that context) who has in the last 18mths only contacted me as an after-thought. Background - my "best friend" I met when my ex cheated on me with him. Long story short, we became close friends. (Note my lack of description as "Best friends").

So, this close friend, for whom I went to great lengths, contacts me lately on an infrequent and random basis. Not the sort of "random" that normal friends find appropriate. For example, not being able to contact this friend or have this friend return any of my communication, I engage in dialogue with his room-mate. As soon as my friend is aware of this, he wants to contact me. Months pass without any further contact from him until one evening his new root divulges that he and I are friendly acquaintances. Suddenly, I'm being invited to spend an evening with them drinking and socialising. Bearing in mind ofcourse that said friend knows I am leaving the state in two weeks but this is what it takes for him to extend the invitation.

In that conversation not only does he offensively describe me as his best friend, but he then pauses as if to correct himself on the terminology. Realising the obvious back-pedal, he repeats the use of "best friend".

And with that I end that relationship.

Finally, one of the people I consider closest to me and with whom I have been friends for a great many years, decides suddenly that he not only doesn't need to show me the respect of engaging in dialogue with me, but also dismisses me with such casual disregard that I am left to wonder exactly what sort of association we have. Said person is someone who has a number of life issues with which I have either helped or been a sounding board for.

So at the end of the day, a number of people I considered to be very close friends prove by their actions that the respect and admiration is a one way street.


Should I be reflecting on my own expectations of those relationships and re-assessing what I expect or is it fair to dismiss every consecutive act of selfishness as an oversight on their part? Or, should I make the observation that each singular act is a cumulative reflection of the regard in which such friends consider their relationship with me?

If you consider that basic respect is a high expectation to have of someone, then I guess my standards are too high. On the other hand, having expectations that I know people can't meet is a good buffer between me and the imminent disappointment provided by all relationships on occasion.

In reality, I don't ask for much. I treat others the way I prefer to be treated.

I don't normally make resolutions with each new year but for 2009 I have decided to put an end to the Welcome sign that seems to be emblazoned in neon lighting across my forehead. No longer will I sit back patiently making excuses for bullshit behaviour. If I have to burn the bridge we built, I'll replace with another built with someone else. I'm looking out for #1 from now on and everyone else rates a distant second. From what I can tell, only the assholes and pretty people make any real progress in life. I guess I just have to be an asshole.